Unconditional love and change

In embracing change as part of love, I know that it is more powerful than any other force in the universe.

You’ve probably heard the saying “You can’t love someone and want them to change.” I don’t think that’s really true. I believe that loving someone means knowing they will change, because we all change. Change is guaranteed.

“You can’t love someone and try to change them” feels truer, because it’s not our job to change people. We can’t. People have to change for themselves. We can’t ever force someone to change, and we should never try to change anyone’s essence, the core of their soul, because that is truly unchangeable. In the end, we are never the same, and we are always the same. We can only help each other change and grow to be more ourselves, more of who we have always been and will always be. Sometimes our changes will align, and sometimes they won't. Honoring our boundaries and those of the folks we're in relationship with is key.

Rather than trying to change anyone, it’s more about encouraging those we love to change and grow in the ways they want to, in all the ways that are aligned with their highest and truest selves. It's about letting them know they are welcome to change, safe to change, that they will be seen, valued and loved through the whole messy, magical process. That the butterfly will be as beautiful and divine as the caterpillar, not better or more than, but just as much.

And so, can you love someone unconditionally and also want them to change? I believe yes, if you want them to be their best self for them, not for you. But if they're doing the work of evolving and remembering their essence, if they're on the road to embodying their wholeness, you’ll probably feel really damn proud of them and excited as they share it with you. Because relationships that help each other grow and embrace change as it naturally comes or is needed, that's a powerful kind of love. That's where love and change intersect, and as long as the people involved are growing and changing together, it can make the love even stronger.

So instead of saying “How can you love someone and want them to change?” I say, “How can you love someone and want them to stay the same?” Of course, there are definitely healthy and unhealthy ways of encouraging and supporting change. It's not always easy. We have to learn how to do it over time, and we may never master it, but that’s what relationships are about, whether we're talking about romance, friendship, family, or our relationship with ourselves. We try, we change, we grow, and we love each other through it all.

Why am I thinking about this? Maybe because the last few years have felt like a constant state of change. Maybe because these recent retrogrades have made super clear what wants to keep changing and what is truly unchangeable. Maybe because I'm so very grateful for the people in my life who have kept loving and supporting me through change, who continue to hold me and bear witness to the metamorphosis. Maybe because in embracing change as part of love, I know that it is more powerful than any other force in the universe.

May you continue to be gentle with yourself and others as we ease into this year. And if you need extra support, my books are open! Beaming love to you always.

-Lauren