The alligator and the heron
I began to trust in the power that held me as I floated, wholly present and still in that moment, thankful for the ride.
Several years ago, during a Reiki session up in Salem, I had a vision that I was floating down a river on the back of an alligator. I had received messages during Reiki before—in colors, shapes and animal visitors—but this time felt different.
At first, I was shocked. I’m reasonably terrified of alligators. Growing up in Florida, you learn all too well not to mess with them, that any body of water can hold lethal danger lurking beneath the surface. I have nightmares about alligator attacks all the time, even though I do think they’re beautiful, mysterious creatures. This is all to say, I can’t imagine I would have ever chosen to picture myself riding an alligator during what’s supposed to be a relaxing experience. But in this liminal, meditative state, I was able to let go and rest on the alligator, my cheek pressed into its broad, spiny back as we floated.
Occasionally, the creature would flip over and let me stroke its softer, whitish-yellow belly. I remember being taught as a child that you could put them to sleep that way, but that was only for trained alligator wrestlers, not your average alligator admirer. Still, this gator seemed to be inviting me to stroke it, to stretch out across the length of its body and pet its hide like a cat warming itself in the sun. I knew it had chosen me. I felt comfortable enough to kiss the underside of its jaw, pressing my nose tenderly against its toothy smile, before it turned back over and we continued on our journey.
Where are we floating, anyway? I asked myself a few times, but it didn’t matter. I was too comfortable to care much about the destination. Every once in a while, we’d float towards a massive cypress tree in the middle of the stream, stretching up so tall and wide it nearly touched the sky. But we never quite reached that tree, or maybe we just floated around it before coming up on another one. It was misty ahead. The path wasn’t clear, and the river seemed endless. For once, that brought me so much peace. I began to trust in the power that held me as I floated, wholly present and still in that moment, thankful for the ride.
Years later, I’m still unpacking the message of the alligator. It visits me again from time to time when I’m meditating and doing Reiki at home. I’ve come to see it as the power of the universe, and of Spirit, which is always flowing around us and through us. It is us, as much as we are it. Just as we are each an integral, indistinguishable part of nature, we are also part of this larger, infinite cosmic force that connects us. The more we surrender to it, the more we can truly find peace.
But it’s not just peace that we’re able to find. There is power in nature, a power that’s wild and untamable. It can both create and destroy. It has teeth. It can be wicked, rageful and venomous, ready to strike if it’s not respected. It is this power, along with peace, that’s needed to tear down the structures and systems that are harming this planet and all of its beings. That power comes with sacred knowledge, of ourselves, the world, and everything beyond it. There is great responsibility in this power. It has the potential to hold us or drown us. It is the power of life itself.
Our own power might terrify us, but if we want to be fully alive, we need to learn how to get in touch with it. When we find the courage to befriend our power, we know there’s nothing to fear. We must use it to take care of ourselves and each other, or we can just as easily sink beneath the waves. But if we learn to use our power for the highest good, to be in sync with the universe, to live in harmony with nature, to balance the gentle and fierce energy that courses beneath our skin and spirit at all times, we can co-create a safe, free, loving world for all of us.
As I approach another birthday, I find myself reflecting on all the ways I continue to live into my power. Over the past few years, I’ve put so much energy into radically loving myself more than ever before as I co-create the life of my dreams with Spirit. It has been beautiful and painful, terrifying and freeing. I know I’ll be on this journey for the rest of my life, and I am so grateful I’ve woken up to it.
Since the alligator appeared to me, I’ve continued cultivating stillness through Reiki and meditation. I’ve learned to listen to my own voice and Spirit every day, returning to what I’ve always known deep in my heart and discovering more of what I truly believe and value. I’ve continued healing traumas and fears that have held me back for way too long. I’ve let go of some things that no longer make sense for my life so that I have the space to invite in what does. I’m learning to trust the signs and messages that show up for me more and more, to tell these intuitive gifts apart from my anxiety and OCD. That has been a huge part of my healing journey. As I learn to distinguish intuition from fear, I feel my power and connection with Spirit growing in ways I can’t wait to continue exploring.
I don’t know exactly where it’s all heading yet. I have dreams and desires that I’ve steadily worked towards and met with ecstatic gratitude, like the trees in the middle of the river, but so much of what lies ahead is still a mystery. And I like that.
Around the same time that I found my alligator, I began a new chapter of my spiritual and creative life that weave together, even as I respect the ways they’re distinct. It’s all led to more healing than I ever could have imagined possible. I was, as Elizabeth Gilbert says in her book Big Magic, struck by an idea that, like the alligator, chose me. I allowed myself to accept it, to believe the signs and ask the universe to show me more as I started to walk the path. It led to rediscovering and deepening a spiritual journey I began long ago, maybe in another lifetime, maybe in the bones and cells of my ancestors. It led to writing a novel and creating a world of characters that are so alive and so much a part of me that I love them dearly, as if they were real, because they are to me.
There is so much more to this story, more that I’ll share in time and parts that I’ll keep holding in my heart. But as we come to the end of another year, it feels appropriate to reflect on just how much has changed and how grateful I am for the ways my life continues to bloom. This year, I started Heronkind, another thread that found its way to me as I continue weaving the different streams of my life together. I’m still working towards publishing my book, and I have other dreams bubbling up to the surface, asking for consideration as I decide where to focus my energy and surrender to the flow.
My loving, gentle advice to anyone who wants it would be this: Don’t be afraid of where the current is taking you. Find your power, your connection to Spirit, the solid foundation that will carry you through the changes, the hardships, the blessings and the gifts that life has in store for you. Allow the energies, people and places that light you up to be your guide. Even when you’re feeling lost, know that you will always find your way again. The river has many paths within the same stream. Others might not always understand where the river is taking you, but it’s not for them to understand. They have their own path to follow. Focus on yours. Trust it, and keep learning how it’s all connected. Remember who you are, and the power of the river, the power within you, will help you find the way.
-Lauren